Posts tagged ‘communicate’

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January 19, 2011

Words That Wound and Heal

Official presidential portrait of Barack Obama...

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On Wednesday, January 13, 2011, President Obama addressed a memorial service for those killed and injured during a mass shooting in Arizona. The President urged Americans to “make sure that we are talking with each other in a way that heals, not a way that wounds.” This statement is a wake-up call to think deeper about the manner in which we communicate with one another. You may be surprised to learn who the first injured person is from “wounding words”. What is your strategy when you are on the receiving end of unkind, harsh and unpleasant words? Practical neuroscience provides strategies on how to communicate with “healing words” and what to do when in a “wounding word” environment. Imagine what daily life would be like if you and the people with whom you associate communicated in kinder and more respectful ways.

Examples

Wounding Words:

  • I hate you
  • You’re stupid
  • You’re wrong
  • You’re worthless

The list is deliberately short. How do you feel when you see these and related words in print, say them aloud or hear someone else speak them? Do these words and the thoughts behind them have any enduring value? Do they build good will, self worth and esteem? Are they good and decent foundational language for healthy long-term relationships?

Healing Words:

  • I love you
  • I appreciate you
  • Thank you
  • Please
  • You’re welcome
  • I forgive you
  • Forgive me
  • I am sorry
  • I can see you’re in pain
  • May I express my feelings and thoughts?
  • Help me understand your point of view
  • How can we coexist peacefully with different points of view?
  • These are the things I value about you
  • May I help you?

The litmus test for “healing words” is how they make you (and others) react, respond and feel. Is the experience positive, uplifting and respectful? Do they help you feel safe, valued and cared about? Are you in a better place?

Neuroscience Principles of Words

1. Words are symbols that create meaning

Words are symbols of ideas that communicate information and help us navigate life. The environment and circumstances in which we learned language strongly affects meaning and the way we respond when we see and hear specific words. Various people may react differently to the same word because it carries different meaning for each of them.

2. Words create emotions and feelings

Your brain creates feelings and emotional responses to thoughts, words, and experiential situations. These reactions range from barely discernable to extremely strong, depending on the   conditions when your memories were built. Interestingly, people tend to “feel words” after thinking about them, saying/hearing them or seeing them visually.

3. Words impact the orator and the audience

How often do we think about the impact of our thoughts and words on our own well being or the well being of others? The person thinking or saying words that wound or heal will be the first to experience the effect. The words we speak aloud or communicate visually affect us as well as our audience. Therefore, intentions and selection of words have positive or negative impact on all parties.

Strategies

There are neuroscience strategies for transmitting and receiving communications to help assure positive outcomes and protect oneself against “wounding words.”

For “transmitters” of words:

What are your desired outcomes?

Think about the purpose of your communication and the outcomes you want. Do all parties benefit or is the situation one sided? Does the purpose involve providing useful information, teaching, sharing points of view, giving instructions, making a decision or solving a problem? Will people be uplifted, feel safe and experience an improvement in quality of life?

How will you deliver your message?

Will you use healing or wounding words? Think about the state of mind, receptivity and culture of your audience. What is your mental, emotional and physical condition to craft and deliver the words by auditory and visual means? It’s best to be in top form, because your physical, mental and emotional state is projected into the audience experience.

Use your head and heart

Use your head to think about your desired outcomes and how you will deliver your message. Imagine speaking through your heart, using it as the transmitter to deliver kind, caring and polite messages. When communicating from your heart, you may be surprised by the reaction from your audience as well as by what you experience.

For “receivers” of words:

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never harm me”

This well known expression contains great wisdom. How can words really harm us? It’s our emotional response and interpretation that give us a wounding or healing experience. When in a “wounding word” situation, say this quote aloud and think about the principles behind it. Refrain from retaliating with an attack because you will hurt yourself and others. Try thinking “healing thoughts” and using “healing words” to neutralize the situation.

Trust tone of voice and body language more than the words

Pay attention to people’s tone of voice and body language. They convey a person’s state of mind and possible intentions. An angry tone, profanity, facial and body tension will tend to wound regardless of the words. A calm and caring voice, using the person’s name, respectful manners and comfortable eye contact will create a healing environment, assuming the words are congruent.

In conclusion, using “healing words” is a choice leading to positive outcomes for all parties. When in a hostile environment, fraught with wounding words, defuse the situation with “healing thoughts and words.” Consider role modeling and teaching the principles and practices of “healing words” to people you trust, who are interested in making positive changes in the world.

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December 8, 2010

The Dark Side of Personal and Business Communications

Stars Wars - Darth Vader - Face

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If you’ve ever felt abused, insulted, angry, drained and resentful, you may have experienced the “dark side” of a communication interaction. Do you have the tools to analyze and understand what happened and how the situation could have been prevented? Is it possible that you may unconsciously create “dark side” outcomes for others? By shedding light on the “dark side” we become more aware of how intentions and methods impact upon people on the receiving end. Better and more fulfilling outcomes occur when focusing upon win-win “high road” personal and business communications.

Two simple questions and examples help you know the differences between “dark side” and “high road” communications.

1. What was/is the purpose of the communication?

Dark Side: People on the “transmitting end” seek power and control over others for self-interests or “emotional juice” for self-gratification. People on the “receiving end” experience loss of time, trust, motivation, self-esteem, physical property, money and reputation.

High Road: People on the “transmitting” and “receiving” end receive positive outcomes including understanding one another, building trust and relationships, gaining consensus and agreement, learning and teaching, sharing points-of-view, providing information, giving instructions and directions, making decisions and solving problems.

2. How was/is the communication delivered?

Dark Side: The communication methods are manipulative and/or highly authoritarian with a tone that threatens punishment if one does not accept or comply with the demands and requirements. Litmus tests for “dark side” communications include self-interests versus couple or group interests. Look for the ratio of “telling” versus “asking” for input and support. If the communication looks bad, feels bad and sounds bad, it’s probably a “dark side” communication.

High Road: The contrast is dramatically different from the “dark side.” You feel engaged and a part of the situation and solution. There are positive outcomes for all parties where no one gets hurt or compromises their values. If it’s a career situation, you can see the importance of what may be required of you for the benefit of the company’s positive sustainability. There is always a sense of fairness, equity and respect for all parties on a one-on-one or group basis. You feel respected and trust is built as a result of the communication. Relationships always get stronger on the “high road.”

The “dark side” is characterized by attacking and defending positions, getting your way at the expense of others with one sided or lopsided outcomes. “High road” communications result in no one gaining something at the expense of another. The best outcome is positive outcomes for all parties. “High road” outcomes result when well-meaning people with integrity pause and think about the purposes and methods of their communications. “High road” communications result in personal relationships characterized by harmony, growth, trust and respect; business outcomes also include high employee engagement, productivity and loyalty.

It’s essential in personal and business relationships to communicate on each others’ sensory and cognitive thinking “wavelengths.” This builds rapport and saves valuable time. Find comprehensive tools to improve communication effectiveness with anyone by 25% to 40% or more at http://www.brainpathways.net.

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December 2, 2010

Three Golden Rules for Communication Success

Bust of Socrates in the Vatican Museum

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Have you been passionate about communicating something important to others, but have not received the acknowledgment, attention and outcomes you envisioned? Three “golden rules” for communication success are neuroscience-based methods that draw people into engaging with you and improve the probability of reaching win-win outcomes. They engender respect, build trust and improve relationships.

Golden Rule #1: People do things for their reasons, not yours.

The brain only engages with listening, observing, thinking and action when a value component is present. The value can be feeling important, being needed or reaching out and helping someone because it’s the right thing to do. It may be intellectual curiosity, solving a nagging life problem or acquiring a physical possession. The reason is irrelevant. Any reason the brain deems valuable gets the brain’s attention. If you don’t know the “hot buttons” of a person or group, try using phrases like: “I have a problem and need your help.” “Will you take a look at a situation that may change your life for the better?” “Is this a good time to ask your opinion about something that may interest you?” Make sure the “attention getter” has integrity, serving the best and highest interests of the person or group you are addressing.

Golden Rule #2: Do it the Socratic way.

Provide information with a minimum of “telling.” Maximize asking questions that draw the person into the communication process, thus encouraging an exchange of information and insights, rather than a one-sided monologue. Questions expand insights and integrate knowledge into common understanding, consensus, solutions and pathways to positive action. Asking Socratic questions is a life skill that anyone can learn. You can start the process now by beginning conversations and presentations with “what, why, when and how.” Everyone learns with this method and you can be the facilitator of this dynamic and fun learning process.

Golden Rule #3: Communicate on the wavelength of your audience or listener

Visual Learners Need:  Visual media, key written points, pictures, graphics, images, color, clutter-free environment

Kinesthetic Learners Need: Physical or hands-on experiences, comfort, freedom to move about, frequent breaks

Auditory Learners Need: Clarity of words, attentive listening, ability to ask questions, quiet environment

Sequential Thinkers Need: Logic, order, particulars, realism, practicality, data, schedules, content

Global Thinkers Need:  Possibilities, options, generalities, open-ended, big picture, context

These “golden rules” for communication success are neuroscience principles available to everyone interested in positive outcomes for all parties. People engage when subjects are important and valuable to them, not necessarily to you. Therefore, you must provide reasons for them to interact with you and the subject. Inclusiveness, rather than exclusiveness is the operative word. Asking open-ended questions with a minimum of telling is an ancient Socratic principle of learning, more recently discovered to be based in neuroscience. Communicating on the wavelengths of others enables them to take in, process and gain understanding in the minimum amount of time.

It is essential in personal and business relationships to communicate on each other’s sensory and cognitive thinking “wavelengths.” This builds rapport and saves valuable time. Find comprehensive tools to improve communication effectiveness with anyone by 25% to 40% or more at http://www.brainpathways.net.

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October 7, 2010

The Art and Science of Building Rapport

Do you feel frustrated and ineffective when interacting with a significant other, family member, friend, client, boss or co-worker? Have you stopped trying to communicate or avoid interacting with them because you feel you’ve done everything you know how to do? If you have reached the point where you blame the other person, perhaps there are some things you haven’t considered that will help you transform the relationship.

Is it possible that the other person is experiencing the same frustrations? If so, consider asking them. Have there been isolated situations in the past when you both experienced less conflict and communications seemed better? Think about these situations as they hold clues to what you can replicate to turn your relationship around. Discussing this with the other person may be the turning point to discover what you need to do differently.

Rapport is both science and art. It’s the key to establishing the environment in which successful communications occur. The science part involves communicating on the other person’s strongest sensory and cognitive thinking pathways and interacting in their preferred environment.

Sensory Style Needs Preferred Environment
Visual See it. Visual media. Attractive. Uncluttered.
Kinesthetic Do it. Physical connection. Physical Comfort. Move about.
Auditory Hear it. Ask questions. Quiet. Interruption free.

Cognitive Style Needs Preferred Environment
Global Big picture. Possibilities. Context. Informal furniture. Dim light.
Sequential Logic. Order. Practical. Content Formal furniture. Bright light.

The artful component of rapport is respectfully matching “language”, vocal speed, body movements and eye contact in authentic and natural ways. In neuro-linguistic programming (NLP), this is called “mirroring.”

Sensory Style Language Vocal Speed
Visual Looks right. Show me a picture. Medium to fast
Kinesthetic Feels right. I need to get a handle on it. Slow, disjointed
Auditory Sounds right. Music to my ears. Steady tempo

 

Cognitive Style Language
Global What’s the big picture here? Imagine this. What do you think of this idea?
Sequential Give me the facts and figures. Be specific. Please be practical and realistic.

“Mirroring” is an integrous way of matching the other person’s behaviors that reflects that you care and are connected. The results are positive and fulfilling when you are respectful and subtle with similar, but not exact, matching behaviors. Think of the other person as your dance partner and try to get in step with them without being obvious or manipulative. Make comfortable eye contact when your eyes meet. Staring may make a person feel uncomfortable and cause them to look away. No eye contact may send the message that you are not interested. Be natural and authentic as you practice these proven principles and methods in all your communications.

The science and art of rapport is based on practical neuroscience principles and tools. Anyone can succeed improving communication rapport with a little practice. This article provides the key principles and practices to build rapport, respect and trust between two or more people. Even the application of some of these neuroscience practices will make big differences in understanding one another. Prepare yourself to be surprised and delighted with the outcomes.

To learn more about how to master the science and art of rapport, email us at info@brainpathways.net and request the Rapport Language List and Hot Tips for Communication Rapport. We will gladly send you these Free PDF’s.

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September 30, 2010

Communication Secrets Revealed

Keeping a sense of humor

Image by cheerfulmonk via Flickr

My goal is to reveal everything I have learned about communication success, so you will have better relationships with everyone, particularly with the difficult people in your life. I have been working in the field of practical neuroscience since 1992, with Deanna Phelps, my business and life partner. We have simplified science-based communication practices that increase rapport and understanding with nearly anyone.

Isn’t it amazing, despite our technological advances, that we still have nagging and persistent problems communicating with our partners, parents, children, friends and the people we work with? What if you could transform your difficult relationships into great relationships, built from bonds of understanding and respect?

These principles will help you analyze and understand your relationships:

  1. People you have great relationships with are most likely those who share some of your characteristics. This is the basis of membership clubs and small start-up businesses.
  2. People you have difficult relationships with are most likely very different than you. These people probably have good relationships with people like themselves.
  3. Everyone is unique due to his or her personality, life experiences, opinions, and brain wiring to receive and process information. Diversity is strength when we respect and use it for good purposes.
  4. People do things and respond for their reasons, not yours. Don’t take everything so personally.
  5. Everyone, despite what you may think, is doing the very best they can with their state-of-mind (in any given moment) and the internal resources available to deal with what is going on. Be more compassionate.

I hope you agree that the main purposes of communications are:

  • Understanding one another
  • Learning and teaching
  • Sharing points-of-view
  • Providing information
  • Giving instructions and directions
  • Making decisions
  • Solving problems

When you and another person acknowledge and accept one or more of these desired outcomes you are more likely to succeed. This one simple act establishes the real and noble purposes of communication. Displacing “getting your way,” “being right” and “driving home your point-of-view” eliminates 90%, or more, of the problems that create anger, frustration, confusion, push-back and wasted time.

Once you have agreed on the topic and the purpose of the interaction, the remaining activity is exchanging information on each other’s wavelength. This process transcends personality and behavioral differences. It simplifies communication and saves valuable time.

The science-based principles of communication rapport are based on brain wiring.

1. Communicate on each other’s strongest sensory pathways:

Visual Learners Need: Visual media, Key Written Points, Pictures, Graphics, Images, Color, Clutter-free Environment

Kinesthetic Learners Need: Physical Activity, Hands-on Experiences, Comfort, Freedom to Move,Frequent Breaks

Auditory Learners Need: Clarity of Words, Attentive Listening, Ability to Ask Questions, Quiet Environment

2. Present sensory information in ways each person can best cognitively process and make sense of it.

Sequential Thinkers (“left brain”) Need: Logic, Order, Particulars, Realism, Practicality, Data, Schedules, Content

Global Thinkers (”right brain”) Need: Possibilities, Options, Generalities, Open-ended, Big Picture, Context

I have attempted to demystify and simplify the communication process. The first step of establishing desired outcomes helps displace emotional and egotistical elements that waste time and create problems. The second step of communicating on each other’s wavelength is based on sound, safe and respected neuroscience research. Please try these true and proven ways to increase communication rapport and understanding. Enjoy the journey.

Brain PathWays provides comprehensive tools to improve communication effectiveness with anyone by 25% to 40% or more. Learn how you prefer to receive and process information. Identify the people with whom you are most and least in rapport. Your 14-page comprehensive and personalized report provides you with the awareness and tools necessary to navigate your rapidly changing world.

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August 21, 2010

Are Communications Tense in Your Relationship? Get on the Same Wavelength!

Emotions spiraling out of control

Good relationships can get crazy and spiral out-of-control when emotions, deep vulnerability and egos take hold. This is when love, logic and clear thinking goes out the window and you are at a total loss for what to do. Continuing to communicate in this state of craziness is a fruitless and frustrating exercise.

Deanna and I are the developers of neuroscience systems for establishing rapport, understanding and harmony. These tools are utterly useless when emotions are allowed to run rampant. They work best when both parties are in the proper state-of-mind to use them.

This is what we have learned as a married couple and business partners. Perhaps what we do will help you when communications get crazy with significant people in your life.

1. Say you’re sorry. Admit you played a role in the problem. Say you will learn from it to avoid this ever happening again.

2. Agree you want to heal the relationship. This is the defining moment that establishes the intention and commitment to work on the relationship.

3. Revisit the situation when cool heads prevail. Time apart should be spent thinking about your role in the problem and identifying the “hot buttons” that ignited the chain reaction. Avoid the dead-end street of defending your position and attacking the other person. Focus on positive things you have control over in future interactions.

Begin by saying, again, that you are sorry and want the relationship to be better and stronger. Share with one another the lessons learned. Convey your ideas to improve the relationship. It’s essential in a growing relationship to know how to communicate on each others “wavelength.” This builds rapport and saves valuable time. Brain PathWays provides comprehensive tools to improve communication effectiveness with anyone by 25% to 40% or more.

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August 20, 2010

It’s “How”, not “What” You Communicate That Matters the Most

On the same wavelength

Have you ever wondered why you are in rapport and see eye-to-eye with some people, but with others, you seem to be on an entirely different wavelength, no matter what the topic is? Who are the people with whom you have the most difficulty communicating? Do you have any ideas or insights why you experience communication problems with these people and not others?

A key reason why you may be experiencing difficulty communicating with specific people is the big gap in the ways you both prefer to take in information, express, and think about things. What works for you may or may not work for someone else. There are 48 different combinations of how people prefer to receive information through their Visual, Auditory and Kinesthetic pathways and process it using their “left brain” (Sequential) and their “right brain” (Global). This creates nearly limitless potential for misalignment leading to misunderstanding and broken relationships.

Do you feel you have any control over these two questions?

  1. Does MY WAY of communicating match YOUR WAY of receiving?
  2. Does YOUR WAY of communicating match MY WAY of receiving? 

You may be surprised to learn that you have lots of control of both situations. Here is a simple way to get started with the first question:

  • Think about the ways other people prefer to receive and process information.
    • Do they prefer to see it, do it or hear it? 
    • Do they prefer information presented in a logical and orderly manner or do they prefer a more open-ended presentation with possibilities and broad goals?
    • Are you communicating on their wavelength or yours?
  •  A simple short cut is to ask how they prefer to receive and think about information. See what happens with rapport, respect and understanding.

The second question is very easy to implement with anyone at any time, provided you know your strongest sensory and cognitive thinking pathways. Ask people you live and work with to communicate on your wavelengths. Give some examples like “I need to see the big picture and possibilities. This means I appreciate visual material with summary points and would prefer a minimum of discussion with lots of detail.”

You can build your communication competencies with Brain PathWays, a low cost, science based online system. You will learn your sensory and cognitive thinking strengths and blind spots, know the types of people you are most and least rapport with, and how to increase communication effectiveness. The report also provides neuroscience solutions to your career, learning and stress challenges.

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August 18, 2010

The Secret Why Some People Excel in Communications

Communication Wavelengths

Who do you know that seems to have the Midas Touch when it comes to communication excellence? These are the super-salespersons, public speakers or perhaps someone you know at work or in your social circle. These people seem to effortlessly get along great with everyone; everyone says, “I love her/him.” Are you curious to learn how and what they do to be so successful and have rapport with nearly everyone?

Do you know that performance excellence can be replicated? The method begins with having a role model to observe and knowing what’s possible.  Have you ever experienced anyone highly successful, who wasn’t passionate and enthusiastic about what they do? Passion and enthusiasm may be the #1 secret to success in any field. This is often referred to as the WIIFM (What’s In It For Me) factor. The more fun and deep enjoyment you receive from the activity, the greater the chance for success. If you have no passion for being a great communicator, your brain will not engage in the process of studying the behaviors of performance excellence and practicing them to perfection.

You must next understand the neuroscience principles behind the behaviors you admire and want to emulate. This is called NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming). NLP is a respected research-based system for self-awareness and self-actualization. A central component of NLP is mastering your sensory and cognitive thinking abilities. All life activities use a combination of the senses to take in information and to express.

Input Output
Visual Observe Show, Draw
Auditory Listen Speak, Sing
Kinesthetic Hands-on Move, Demonstrate

Cognitive thinking abilities are essential to process and use sensory information.


Input Output
Global Big Picture Options, Possibilities
Sequential Logic Process, Patterns

The secret why some people excel in communication is that they reach out and connect will all types of sensory learners and cognitive thinkers. On a one-on-one basis, they first identify the primary sensory and cognitive thinking pathways of the person with whom they are interacting. Then they present and exchange information on that person’s preferred pathways. For a Visual learner and Global thinker, the super-communicator will use visual materials presented in an open-ended manner showing possibilities. Thus, they provide information on the person’s preferred wavelength. He/she will also use visual and global language like “can you see the big picture here?” or “how do the possibilities and options look to you?” These NLP methods build immediate rapport and understanding with anyone. For large groups of people, the super-communicator will use all sensory and cognitive thinking pathways to communicate with the audience.

Your first step to becoming an excellent communicator is learning how your brain is wired to learn and think. A reliable and low-cost science based system is available at www.brainpathways.net The highly customized report provides you with the foundation to achieve performance excellence in any field you are passionate and enthusiastic about. Lastly, it comes down to practice, practice, and practice.

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